Seeking Freedom, Expansion, and Connection?

I do extensive work with both couples and individuals exploring ENM and Conscious Relationships. Like my general therapeutic approach, this work is experiential, sensitive to past traumas, and responsive to clients’ needs. My approach often includes some or all of the following:

1. Exploring and building skills re agreements, compassionate listening and communication, power dynamics and negotiation
2. Understanding and reprogramming the deep rooted influences of socialization around relationships, sex, and gender.  
3. Identifying and claiming individual power, voice, and desires—(re)claiming agency in relational and sexual interactions (exploring issues of consent, self advocacy, codependency, and healthy boundary setting/holding/respecting)
4. Working on emotional regulation, attachment responses, tolerance of emotion (self and other) and repair 

I also add or adjust focus according to client goals.

Intensives

I have had great success helping couples navigate the often muddy waters of ENM in intensives. Intensives are 2-4 day retreats tailored to individual needs which may include the deep exploration of the above list as well as:

1. Identifying true purpose, power dynamics, underlying assumptions
2. Clarifying overarching ethical guidelines, structure, and function (boundaries, agreements, expectations) related to communication, emotional caretaking, interpersonal dynamics, etc.
3. Developing clear aspirational goals 
4. Navigating attachment styles, emotional reactions and processes to support ENM as it evolves
5. Building skills to negotiate the evolving process 
6. Developing an implementation plan including estimated timelines for reaching aspirations
7. Developing clear individual commitments to ensure accountability and increase trust and security
8. Experiments to assist in refining and (re)negotiating goals as you all gather more information

Among other things.

ENM is short for Ethical Non Monogamy, a relationship where partners choose to open their relationship to include additional partners for expanded emotional, physical, and/or sexual intimacy. 

ENM characteristics 

• Consent: All partners agree to the relationship structure
• Communication: Partners openly discuss their feelings and expectations
• Respect: Partners treat each other with respect and consideration

ENM as an alternative ENM is a valid alternative to monogamy. It challenges traditional relationship approaches and promotes a more inclusive way of relating.

Related terms ENM is also known as consensual non-monogamy. Polyamory is a type of ENM that specifically refers to multiple loving relationships.

There are many resources to explore for more detailed information. My blog includes some of my perspectives. 

“Conscious Relationships” is a term I used in my dissertation to distinguish between the western, traditional way we are socialized to understand relationship structures, rules, and expectations vs. a new, expanded view of how we can create and enjoy  empowered, modern relationships (regardless of gender, sexual orientation, etc.). Here is a summary comparing traditional relationships with conscious relationships; clearly, not all traditional relationships follow these rules. Also, for clarity, a “Conscious Relationship” does not need to include additional partners. 

Traditional Relationships (TR) vs Conscious Relationship (CR) in different relational domains:

Development

TR: Linear: courtship; assess viability of relationship and compatibility, relationship escalator, stop

CR: Ongoing: courtship, assessing compatibility, adapt, repeat

Goals

TR: Life partner: relational commitment, long term monogamy, sexual intimacy, marriage, children, helpmate, harmony; follow “traditional” path aligned with societal expectations

CR: Expansion: commitment to exploring wants, increasing flexibility, creativity, self-knowledge, intimacy; cohabitation/ marriage/children are not given expectations; forge path in alignment with individual values

Engagement/Relational Dynamics

TR: Crucial elements: fidelity; clarity, agreement, and acceptance of norms; once chosen, maintenance, maintain homeostasis; engagement often according to traditional gender roles

CR: Crucial elements: self esteem, curiosity, flexibility, openness, and ongoing fair negotiation; actively choosing, communicating, and exploring developing selves; engagement, continually negotiated desires and boundaries

Expectations

TR: Established and assumed: based on societal rules (faithful, prioritizing other, etc.) and relationship patterns and dynamics; punitive and at times, indirect (unspoken rules); accountable to each other

CR: Evolving and openly discussed: based on agreements, negotiated, and renegotiated aligned with personal and interpersonal developments; curious and open (evolving agreements) accountable to oneself

Trust

TR: Based on history, following (sometimes outdated) rules and promises, caring for other, and meeting expectations; avoid conflict, disappointing, or hurting each other

CR: Based on ongoing action, setting, holding, and respecting boundaries, and self-care and transparency (integrity); avoid sacrificing self; focus on respectful conflict (when necessary) and repair

Security

TR: Allegiance to union, roles, societal, cultural, and relationship rules, harmony: bonding, assumed monogamy, and loyalty to other; faithfulness/allegiance (until death do us part); dependency, consistency,  rigid expectations, minimal disruption/change intending to lead to sense of permanence

CR: Relationship is container for growth and change, allegiance to self, communication, growth, and compassion: self- attachment; freedom with ongoing negotiation of agreements to lead to greater flexibility, self-growth, acceptance, anticipating/embracing change in self and other

Intimacy

TR: More or less follows linear path based on established expectations; initial flame/sex hormones dim and sex may become routine or feel obligatory; expected to meet partner’s needs

CR: Experimentation, self-awareness and advocacy, curiosity; desire is rekindled due to freedom, perspective and space, without obligation to continually provide for each other; not expected to meet all of partner’s needs

Potential Challenges

TR: Enmeshment, codependency, suppressed desire and voice, covert/ passive aggressive behavior: infidelity, lying, criticism, denial; pursuer/distancer dynamic; avoidance, jealousy, possessiveness; resentment/self-sacrifice due to being required to meet all partner's intimacy needs; restriction may lead to rebellion

CR:Increased anxiety and need for self- soothing and community, over-processing leading to decreased spontaneity and exhaustion (analysis paralysis); stigma/lack of support from others; avoidance of intimacy, jealousy, disengagement, hubris, using others, especially if attachment wounds aren’t addressed; insecurity if/when partner has needs met elsewhere; lack of restriction may lead to overwhelm/paralysis

https://www.attachmentproject.com/enm/

https://www.attachmentproject.com/enm/relationship-anarchy/#:~:text=In%20relationship%20anarchy%2C%20there%20is,relationship%20from%20a%20platonic%20one.